We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of a conversation, a debate, or an important work negotiation, and someone delivers what seems like a heartfelt compliment or agreement. Then comes that little word, “but,” and suddenly everything that follows negates the warm fuzzies you were just handed. It’s like being served a delicious slice of cake, only to find out there’s a cockroach baked in. Ugh.
The truth is, “but” is the great eraser, the silent assassin of sincerity, and the ultimate emissary of His Royal Hiney, bullshit. Let’s try and understand why this humble conjunction wields such enormous power and why, when you hear it, you should brace yourself for the verbal turd that’s about to drop.
The Anatomy of ‘But’
“But” is a conjunction used to introduce a phrase or clause that contrasts with what has already been said. That’s the textbook definition. Experience tells though that “but” is a loaded word, a veritable linguistic Trojan horse that carries a payload of negation and contradiction.
It’s the ‘Dear John’ prefix to the let-down letter, the idiomatic fly in the ointment. If you are of a cynical frame of mind, all that comes before “but” is often, a setup — a gentle foreword that lulls you into a false sense of agreement or security.
The following examples might resonate with you:
- “I like your idea, but…
- “You’re doing a great job, but…”
- “I’m sorry, but…”
In each case, the speaker starts with a positive or neutral statement, only to flip the script with whatever follows “but.” That initial praise or agreement? It’s there just to lube your passageway.
The Psychology of ‘But’
Why do people use “but” in this way? It’s because humans are complex social creatures who often want to have their cake and eat it too (minus the cockroach surprise, of course). We want to deliver bad news without being the bad guy. We want to express disagreement without causing offence. We want to say something negative but cushion it with something positive.
This is where “but” comes in handy. It allows us to present a duality, where the positive statement is immediately undercut by the negative one. But anyone, even with a half functional bullshit detector, will be waiting for the drop in its usual context.
For example, in the corporate playbook, there’s a tactic known as the “sandwich method” for delivering criticism. You start with something positive, insert the criticism or bad news in the middle, and then close with another positive. In reality, we all know this is the ‘shit sandwich method’ with corporate police removing the profanity prefix.
But nobody is fooled here — they know the praise is just a prelude to the real issue. And, as we know, the “but” not only dilutes the positive message, but it also makes the speaker seem insincere. The result? The shit sandwich doesn’t taste any better, it’s just that in corporations-ville, you are obliged to swallow it with an accompanying shit-eating grin.
Why ‘But’ Breeds Distrust
When people consistently use “but” in this manner, it breeds distrust. If you’ve ever had a boss, partner, or friend who regularly sprinkles their feedback with “but,” you start to anticipate the negativity even before it arrives. Over time, you may even begin to distrust anything they say before “but” because you know it’s likely to be overturned. In relationships — whether personal or professional — trust is the real lube.
How to Avoid the ‘But’ Trap
If you want to communicate more effectively and build trust, it’s important to be aware of how you use “but.” Here are some tips to avoid falling into the “but” trap:
- Separate your thoughts. Instead of combining a positive and negative statement with “but,” separate them into two distinct sentences. This gives each statement its own weight and prevents the positive from being overshadowed by the negative.
- Example: “I like your idea. We might need to make some adjustments to the timeline.”
- Use “and” instead of “but.” Sometimes, “and” can replace “but” and create a more inclusive, less contradictory statement.
- Example: “You’ve been doing really well this quarter, and we should work on improving the next report.”
- Be direct. If you have criticism to offer, don’t hide it behind a positive statement. Be honest, but constructive.
- Example: “Your report was below expectations. Let’s discuss how we can improve it for next time.”
- Acknowledge the contradiction. If you’re about to contradict yourself, acknowledge it upfront instead of using “but” to mask it.
- Example: “This idea is creative, though it might be challenging to implement.”
The Power of Honesty
Honesty and clarity are powerful tools in communication. While “but” might seem like a convenient way to soften a statement or offer a critique, it arguably does more harm than good. By being aware of how we use “but,” we can communicate more effectively, build stronger relationships, and earn trust.
Next time you find yourself about to use “but,” pause and have a word with your inner voice. Your audience — whether it’s your team, your clients, or your partner — will welcome your candour. Let’s be clear; life is complicated enough without mixed messaging. Don’t ‘but dial’.
The world is drowning in bullshit and it’s a poor growth medium for anything, except more bullshit. We all want the truth and should demand it, even if it’s uncomfortable - no ‘ifs’ and definitely no ‘buts’.
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